Back
Slowly Torn Apart—Justin's Story
My
symptoms consisted of physical pain, discomfort, anxiety,
fear, and suffering to name a few. My life was identified
with thought. "I have to get my life in control. What a
screw-up I am." Years of therapy, Zoloft, Ativan, alcohol,
pot. Anything to take away the pain, and quiet my thoughts.
But thoughts keep coming. "I have to control them. Only the
good ones are allowed. What if I lose my job, my
house, my friends? And death?!"
That sums
up my so-called life. Some really beautiful events mixed in,
but despair returned again and again. Highs and lows. The
voice in my head is 'me' talking. I have to LISTEN. You get
the picture.
One day
in August 2006 a decision was made to take some time off
from drinking, and give it a break for a while. Something in
me wanted to see life differently for a while. Well, if I
was going to face my life sober, I needed help. A meditation
class was suggested by my doctor. So I started meditating.
At first I had some nice experiences meditating. It helped.
Watch my thoughts. Pay attention to breath. Stay in the
moment. Something was still lacking though. The same old
crap was still coming up. Why isn't meditation keeping the
bad thoughts away?
One
evening in early November of '06, I had some free time and
went to the local bookstore to browse. I figured I'd get
whatever book jumped out at me. Standing in the aisle, a book
caught my eye, The Power of NOW. I'd heard some talk
during therapy about trying to stay in the now. But here is
the POWER of now. What can this book GIVE me? POWER! And
Oprah endorsed it. Can't be bad. Bestseller even. So I
bought an iced coffee and sat down to read a little before
buying it. I knew as soon as I started the first chapter, "You Are Not Your Mind" that something was going
to happen. I'd never heard that before. This book blew me
away! It started something in motion.
A couple
of months passed, and one night while sitting in front of a
fire, something realized that I was not my thoughts. It was
seen for the first time that something was seeing
thought. No matter what was happening, it was being watched
by something other than what was being watched. I couldn't
seem to grasp it.
I did
some surfing on the web and came across quite a few people
talking about enlightenment. It seemed similar to what I was
starting to experience. I needed to confirm this insight. I
searched and came across a local guy, Stephen Wingate, who
happened to be just a couple of towns away. I read through
his website, and figured I'd give it a shot. But this guy
was a bit radical. He seemed to think that enlightenment and
I am not real. Well, he is close by, so I figured I'd give
it a try.
The first
meeting there were just three people in attendance. I told him
of my experience. I wanted to know if I was seeing this
clearly. He confirmed that what I was seeing was clear. I
had no idea what I was in for. He clearly and relentlessly
pointed to that awareness. I remember Stephen saying, "There
is no one in control." What is he talking about? I thought,
I am in control of some things. "Throw away everything else,
it's irrelevant. Stick with awareness!" He was very direct.
He just kept pointing to this awareness. I started to see a
glimpse of light, but it seemed to come and go. "Just keep
staying with awareness." Thoughts come up. What is watching
these thoughts? I am not these thoughts. What am I?
Incredible insights started coming. Where the hell are these
insights coming from? I started seeing through all my
beliefs. They were all thoughts. Control is just another
thought. What sees that thought? Emotion, anger, sadness,
fear all started to be seen through. It all comes from
nowhere and returns to nowhere. I was being slowly torn
apart. I am not what I believed I was. Insight after insight
kept coming in slaying all my beliefs.
But what
is this awareness? What is this Oneness? What is this "I"
belief? A knowing was starting to take center stage,
so to speak. I began to see that I have NEVER been without
this Awareness. How could I have missed this? Through all
the breaking down of the story of me, Awareness was ALWAYS
present. This story of me was happening in this Awareness.
Knowing-Awareness became brighter from moment to moment.
A knowing
was starting to settle in. Everything seemed to be watched.
Moments of peace in that Knowing started flowing in. Months
passed and it seemed like just one moment. How is this
happening? Seemingly without effort other than resting as
awareness, an unfolding was happening. Every day, something
else was peeled away and more light was shining through.
This knowing cut through every belief. Memory is no longer
attached to. Just this present moment. Forever now.
Prescription drugs were stopped and therapy was no longer
needed. Alcohol and pot are not needed anymore. Why try to
silence or get rid of something that is just like a cloud
passing over head? That's all I was trying to do, control
thoughts. Quiet the noise of thought. Thoughts are harmless!
I am the watcher, untouched by any of it. A great peace is
taking over.
One
morning, not so long ago, I read a simple line from Annette
Nibley that said, "The mind is not yours." I'm sure I'd
heard it a hundred times. I mean, it was basically the first
chapter in The Power of Now. But this time it stopped
me dead in my tracks. A clearing seemed to happen.
Everything is One. Oneness is all there is. The "I" thought
was seen through. How can there be a separate "I" when all
is One? Everything is this One. I am That.
I sat
with that for a while. I didn't say a word about this to
anyone for a few days. I just bathed in this Oneness. What
is the problem if the problem itself is the Source? There is
only One Source and I am That. You are That. Awareness is
That. This Oneness is Aware.
Nothing
has changed in appearance, but everything has been seen to
be THAT. Oneness. Life continues to unfold with the story
and the "I" thought. Emotions come and go, but it all
happens to no one.
It's all
the ONE Source, happening.
Peace.
Justin.
